A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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