so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
