i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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