be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
