I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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