I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
