May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize