after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
