I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
