chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
