Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
