there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
