Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
