I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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