I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
