i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
