I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
