chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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