mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
