Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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