I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I am available for nakedness
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize