Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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