I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
