He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
