Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
