god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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