We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
