K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
