When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
