Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
