Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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