he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She bit a glass in half.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
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