My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
