Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
