i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
