some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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