So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
