Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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