Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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