He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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