I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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