Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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