***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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