He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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