Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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