Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my being single is dangerous.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
