Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
