I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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