Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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