I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
