70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
