As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
