As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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