Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
