so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
