Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
