if i can run in heels then i can drive
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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