you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
