My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
