My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
