I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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