He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
