in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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